- If I could just have your name, please, sir.
- Right. Hold on a second.
- My name is Derek...
- What are you doing?
- That's my name.
- What is?
- This. Derek...
- Derek... is your name?
- What kind of name is that?
- Well, it's my name.
- Bit unusual, isn't it, Mr...?
- If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me...
- Um, how do you spell... Mr...?
- It's as it sounds.
- Yeah, but if you wouldn't mind spelling it for me.
- I mean, can't you...
- I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me.
- All right, then. N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.
- Beg your pardon?
- Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
- Hyphen E.
- Hyphen E. In my book spells "nipple". It does not spell...
- Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly-trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell.
- All right, Mr Nipple, if I can have your address, please. Address, please?
- Are you talking to me?
- You wanna know my address?
- Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address?
- Your address, please.
- My address, right. My address is number 22... King's Lynn.
- Watch it.
- Just watch it.
- Watch what, for heaven's sake?
- You do realise that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offence.
- Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very Serious. But giving your address to a policeman, on the other hand, isn't so serious. Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked.
- All right. All right. Let's just check this with you, shall we, Mr...?
- Your address is 22... King's Lynn?
- Oh, no, no. What's the matter with you? It's 22... King's Lynn.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was 22... King's Lynn.
- Well, it isn't.
- I can't read my own handwriting.
- Well, get a typewriter.
- Well, if only we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it's funny, from some angles, it looks like 22... King's Lynn.
Where's the buttons?
No, no. They've installed voice recognition technology in this lift. I've heard about this.
Voice recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? You ever tried voice recognition technology?
They don't do Scottish accents.
Could you please repeat that? …
Really Funny Impatient Witness Sketch
Women: know your limits!